रविवार, 11 मार्च 2012

How would I know???!!

For long, actually too long, he had been thinking of writing a blog. But, for several reasons, known and unknown, he kept delaying it for tomorrow. A tomorrow which never came - until today.  

Why is he so? I mean why he delays everything? Is it just laziness or something more dangerous. Has he got into the tendency of postponing everything for tomorrow. Or is it that he sacrifices the chance of a GOOD one for the sake of PERFECT one. Or may be he feels that he don't deserve any thing good or perfect. Or he is afraid of revealing himself too much. Or may be he fears rejection. Or may be all of the above reasons in varying proportions. Or may be none of the above.
          How would I know??

I knew him. And I know him. And there is a difference between the two. He was good otherwise. In his fraternity people took him for someone deep, intelligent and even wisdomful at times. He was always open to life - its colors and shades, crests and troughs , gifts and challenges. He took decisions, he did mistakes, he had regrets but still he moved on. He hated to hurt people and he managed it beautifully even with his "I don't care" attitude. Even his weak memory was his asset. It helped him to forget things which he wanted to leave behind. Though sometimes he felt that he was neurotic but this thought never stayed long enough to bother him. One thing which reflected from his face, his aura, was that he enjoyed his very existence. But, that was all about I "knew"!
So what has changed?
Well, I don't know exactly. And I don't know even if he himself can reveal it in black and white - poor vocabulary was another of his weak points (Though his close friend told often that his face was expressive but that just made him wonder why was it not the same with his words).

May be Career... It may be. (He has often been at crossroads in choice of career. He had a persistent fear that he may choose something which he may not love -  which may not yield a sense of satisfaction to him, which he may just choose simply because many people (including he, himself) have so many expectations from him.
 Or May be Love... It may be. He has been too confused on this issue. He has been in love. He is. But its transformation into a commitment or relationship has been uncomfortable(stupid choice of word, i know).  This loaded word has been the source of all creativity, all enthusiasm and all what is deep (good or bad don't matter sometime) in his small but eventful life (that includes deep sense of gratitude, gratefulness and grandness along with deep feeling of guilt, regret and rejection). That sounds stupid. It is. And he knows that, I guess. But that is how it is.

But Okay. Let him take time. He will be back again (he is already more than half way, I feel!). He may not believe in word belief but strangely he feels a sense of faith now. He feels good. Happy. Positive vibes all around. May be his discomfort lies in the fact that he has simply been unable to reciprocate, to reply, to open up.... it may be.

How would i know????

4 टिप्‍पणियां:

  1. इस टिप्पणी को लेखक द्वारा हटा दिया गया है.

    उत्तर देंहटाएं
    1. Thankyou Naincy :).
      I agree that good and bad are relative.
      I understand and agree that few things (or almost anything) can't be postponed for later.
      I agree that I know it all, somewhere.
      The only problem is that sometimes He fails to understand these simple things. Its all about that struggle between me and he(him).
      And thanks once again for really inspiring me in more than one way to come with a blog.
      And I'll keep writing. InshaRumi.:D

  2. Neel
    loved it dr:):)
    felt like reading my own biography..
    the same kashmakash. .same antardwanda. .
    Jaise sawal bhi khud..or jawab bhi khud. .
    na chahato ka ilm...huh...
    lo ma bhi shuru ho gyi. .:P
    Bahot acha tha ur first blog. .too good!!!

    उत्तर देंहटाएं
    1. Thankyou Priyanka for loving it. Initially I couldn't. :/
      And Yes, we are all same (and unique, simultaneously).